Looking Ahead

Ok, here we go. Post number two of the day. This one is a little less heavy than the last and incredibly exciting!

As I said, I’m in an airport waiting to fly to London and then Florence, where I will be spending the next four months. What an incredible (and interesting) experience it has been already!!

Last night, I realized I had left my passport in a copy machine at FedEx. I didn’t make this realization until an hour after FedEx had closed, however. Luckily, there was a 24 hour FedEx open that was able to contact the manager, who drove back over (despite already being in her pajamas) and opened the store. I would not be in New York if it weren’t for that wonderful woman.

I have been awake since 4am San Diego time and I am exhausted. As I write this, it’s 7pm in New York and I’m sitting at my gate, waiting for a flight that’s still three hours away. I’ve already been here for three hours. Luckily, for me, there’s a charging station (#blessup).

For those of you who have never been to the JFK airport, it is a maze. I got so confused, I actually walked back through security and out in the frigid New York air (carrying my jacket instead of wearing it) and then had to go back through security once I got to the correct terminal. Along the way, I was approached by an elderly woman who asked for directions. Unfortunately, I was just as lost as she was. We were going the same place, but ended up parting ways.

By the time I got to the AirTrain, she was there too. She asked me for directions again and I helped her get on the right train and get off at the right stop. We got our boarding passes together, went through security together, and then sat down at our gates together since they were right next to each other. Her name is Awena and she was flying to London from Dallas (but on a flight that is departing as I write this) and she is sweet, quiet woman with a heavy accent.

We sat together for the last couple hours until I realized her flight was supposed to be boarding but her gate had no one at it. I quickly checked her ticket and asked the service center for help. Her flight had been switched to a gate all the way across the terminal and they were about to board the last few people. I grabbed my stuff and escorted her to her new gate, wishing her safe travels before she walked through the gate.

I will honestly probably never see that woman again, but I feel like she was such a blessing. I no longer feel worried about being on my own in Europe. I was able to help someone solve their problem and get to where they needed to go. If I could do that for someone else, I can certainly do that for myself.

After walking back to my gate, I googled Awena’s name to find the meaning and discovered it had two. In Welsh, it means muse and in Swahili, it means gentle. Awena, in a way, was my gentle muse. I spent the last few days stressed, anxious, and barely sleeping because I was so nervous about this trip. Awena was a subtle reminder that I’ve got this handled, that I’m strong, competent, and capable. I hope she has an incredible journey through life, wherever it takes her next.

Looking to this coming semester, I’m excited, but it honestly has totally sunk in that I’ll be living and studying in Europe. My apartment, which I’m sharing with four other girls who seem wonderful already, is in a cute little building in the middle of Florence and almost directly above a gelato shop (I suspect it will be the cause of a decent amount of any weight gain and money loss I experience these next four months). My school is blocks from the Duomo, a famous cathedral in Florence with a huge dome. Florence is filled with rich history and tradition, a beautiful language, and delicious food. I can’t wait to experience all it has to offer me.

I will also be taking six classes while abroad: Italian Language (of course), Intro to Environmental Issues, Art History 1: Antiquity through Renaissance (very fitting for Florence), Travel Writing (so expect me to actually be posting and blogging this semester), Fashion Figure Drawing (so that I can draw my designs before I actually sew them), and, my personal favorite, Pairing Food and Wine (bc when in Rome – or Florence, in this case).

During my time, I expect to eat, socialize, and travel as much as possible. I hope to make the most of this once in a lifetime experience. And I hope to leave wishing I could stay. While here, I’ll be seeing international friends as well as other study abroad students from home or school and, at the end of the semester, I will finally be traveling to Sicily to meet my mom’s family members, who, up until this point, I have only ever communicated with via Skype. As per the request of my Nonna and Zizis (grandma and aunts – great aunts in this case – in Italian), I plan on working as hard as possible to become fluent in Italian so I can speak with them when I come home.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever been so excited for an experience as I have for this one, but I know I can’t wait to share it with everyone. Bon voyage!

Looking Back

Okay, I’m going to start this post off by saying that it’s been a while. It’s been like five months, even though I said it’d be a week before my next post. Unfortunately, life got the best of me this semester and my time and motivation to write all but disappeared.

The good news is, I had a fun and relaxing and rejuvenating winter break. I spent a lot of time with family and friends and enjoyed my time off to reset and revamp before I head into this next semester. I ate good food and had good conversations and slept way more than my mom really liked. And now I’m sitting in JFK airport with four hours left before my flight to London leaves (at which point I wait another 6 hours before I leave for Florence).

Originally I was going to make this post and my next all one. But I feel like this post is too important to be combined with anything so it will stand alone and I’ll be posting twice today. So, before I start on my excitement about these upcoming four months, I wanted to discuss last semester. During those four months, which were simultaneously the longest and shortest of my life, I was taking 17 credit hours of classes packed with projects and assignments, while also working 25-30 hours a week and attempting to maintain a social life that felt like it was in shambles.

In fact, on some days, especially the weekends when I had no structured responsibilities, I was so tired and depressed that I could barely get myself out of bed in the mornings, I had no motivation to walk to the dining hall to eat, and it would take me hours to fall asleep at night. I woke up every day feeling more exhausted than the last and each week felt like a never ending cycle of work, school, depression, work school, depression. I wanted to be done and home, the safety of my childhood bed. Just writing about the feeling makes my head hurt and the constant tiredness I’d feel behind my eyes return.

I’m not writing about this to get pity or to scare anyone. I’m writing about this because I heard from so many people who were experiencing the same thing and it needs to be talked about. I’ve always been very open about my mental health, but for some, they struggle to talk about it or open up; others don’t even know that’s what they are struggling with. Too many times I hear that people feel alone in that struggle. When I speak about my anxiety and depression, I often hear, “I thought I was the only one.”

It’s so important for us to have these conversations. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be struggling. It’s okay to feel the way a lot of us do. It’s also okay to ask for help, to seek out support, to talk to people who can teach you the best ways to cope with what you’re feeling, even to put a name to it; I can promise, putting a name to it makes it so much easier, it gives you something real to fight back against. Once it has a name, it has a face and you can look it right in the eye and tell it that it can’t define you, that it won’t define you.

If you are going through a hard time or anything that I’ve just said feels like something that you connect with or can relate to, please don’t hesitate to talk to someone. Talk to your best friend, your partner, your parents, your siblings, your teacher, your co-worker, me; anyone you feel you can trust or are comfortable with. And please, don’t let the conversation stop there. Go further: talk to a counselor or a psychiatrist, then keep talking. Let others hear your story. No one should feel like they are alone in this because I can promise, they aren’t. You aren’t.