Monday, January 30, 2017

Looking Ahead

Ok, here we go. Post number two of the day. This one is a little less heavy than the last and incredibly exciting!

As I said, I’m in an airport waiting to fly to London and then Florence, where I will be spending the next four months. What an incredible (and interesting) experience it has been already!!

Last night, I realized I had left my passport in a copy machine at FedEx. I didn’t make this realization until an hour after FedEx had closed, however. Luckily, there was a 24 hour FedEx open that was able to contact the manager, who drove back over (despite already being in her pajamas) and opened the store. I would not be in New York if it weren’t for that wonderful woman.

I have been awake since 4am San Diego time and I am exhausted. As I write this, it’s 7pm in New York and I’m sitting at my gate, waiting for a flight that’s still three hours away. I’ve already been here for three hours. Luckily, for me, there’s a charging station (#blessup).

For those of you who have never been to the JFK airport, it is a maze. I got so confused, I actually walked back through security and out in the frigid New York air (carrying my jacket instead of wearing it) and then had to go back through security once I got to the correct terminal. Along the way, I was approached by an elderly woman who asked for directions. Unfortunately, I was just as lost as she was. We were going the same place, but ended up parting ways.

By the time I got to the AirTrain, she was there too. She asked me for directions again and I helped her get on the right train and get off at the right stop. We got our boarding passes together, went through security together, and then sat down at our gates together since they were right next to each other. Her name is Awena and she was flying to London from Dallas (but on a flight that is departing as I write this) and she is sweet, quiet woman with a heavy accent.

We sat together for the last couple hours until I realized her flight was supposed to be boarding but her gate had no one at it. I quickly checked her ticket and asked the service center for help. Her flight had been switched to a gate all the way across the terminal and they were about to board the last few people. I grabbed my stuff and escorted her to her new gate, wishing her safe travels before she walked through the gate.

I will honestly probably never see that woman again, but I feel like she was such a blessing. I no longer feel worried about being on my own in Europe. I was able to help someone solve their problem and get to where they needed to go. If I could do that for someone else, I can certainly do that for myself.

After walking back to my gate, I googled Awena’s name to find the meaning and discovered it had two. In Welsh, it means muse and in Swahili, it means gentle. Awena, in a way, was my gentle muse. I spent the last few days stressed, anxious, and barely sleeping because I was so nervous about this trip. Awena was a subtle reminder that I’ve got this handled, that I’m strong, competent, and capable. I hope she has an incredible journey through life, wherever it takes her next.

Looking to this coming semester, I’m excited, but it honestly has totally sunk in that I’ll be living and studying in Europe. My apartment, which I’m sharing with four other girls who seem wonderful already, is in a cute little building in the middle of Florence and almost directly above a gelato shop (I suspect it will be the cause of a decent amount of any weight gain and money loss I experience these next four months). My school is blocks from the Duomo, a famous cathedral in Florence with a huge dome. Florence is filled with rich history and tradition, a beautiful language, and delicious food. I can’t wait to experience all it has to offer me.

I will also be taking six classes while abroad: Italian Language (of course), Intro to Environmental Issues, Art History 1: Antiquity through Renaissance (very fitting for Florence), Travel Writing (so expect me to actually be posting and blogging this semester), Fashion Figure Drawing (so that I can draw my designs before I actually sew them), and, my personal favorite, Pairing Food and Wine (bc when in Rome – or Florence, in this case).

During my time, I expect to eat, socialize, and travel as much as possible. I hope to make the most of this once in a lifetime experience. And I hope to leave wishing I could stay. While here, I’ll be seeing international friends as well as other study abroad students from home or school and, at the end of the semester, I will finally be traveling to Sicily to meet my mom’s family members, who, up until this point, I have only ever communicated with via Skype. As per the request of my Nonna and Zizis (grandma and aunts – great aunts in this case – in Italian), I plan on working as hard as possible to become fluent in Italian so I can speak with them when I come home.


I’m not sure if I’ve ever been so excited for an experience as I have for this one, but I know I can’t wait to share it with everyone. Bon voyage!

Looking Back

Okay, I’m going to start this post off by saying that it’s been a while. It’s been like five months, even though I said it’d be a week before my next post. Unfortunately, life got the best of me this semester and my time and motivation to write all but disappeared.

The good news is, I had a fun and relaxing and rejuvenating winter break. I spent a lot of time with family and friends and enjoyed my time off to reset and revamp before I head into this next semester. I ate good food and had good conversations and slept way more than my mom really liked. And now I’m sitting in JFK airport with four hours left before my flight to London leaves (at which point I wait another 6 hours before I leave for Florence).

Originally I was going to make this post and my next all one. But I feel like this post is too important to be combined with anything so it will stand alone and I’ll be posting twice today. So, before I start on my excitement about these upcoming four months, I wanted to discuss last semester. During those four months, which were simultaneously the longest and shortest of my life, I was taking 17 credit hours of classes packed with projects and assignments, while also working 25-30 hours a week and attempting to maintain a social life that felt like it was in shambles.

In fact, on some days, especially the weekends when I had no structured responsibilities, I was so tired and depressed that I could barely get myself out of bed in the mornings, I had no motivation to walk to the dining hall to eat, and it would take me hours to fall asleep at night. I woke up every day feeling more exhausted than the last and each week felt like a never ending cycle of work, school, depression, work school, depression. I wanted to be done and home, the safety of my childhood bed. Just writing about the feeling makes my head hurt and the constant tiredness I’d feel behind my eyes return.

I’m not writing about this to get pity or to scare anyone. I’m writing about this because I heard from so many people who were experiencing the same thing and it needs to be talked about. I’ve always been very open about my mental health, but for some, they struggle to talk about it or open up; others don’t even know that’s what they are struggling with. Too many times I hear that people feel alone in that struggle. When I speak about my anxiety and depression, I often hear, “I thought I was the only one.”

It’s so important for us to have these conversations. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be struggling. It’s okay to feel the way a lot of us do. It’s also okay to ask for help, to seek out support, to talk to people who can teach you the best ways to cope with what you’re feeling, even to put a name to it; I can promise, putting a name to it makes it so much easier, it gives you something real to fight back against. Once it has a name, it has a face and you can look it right in the eye and tell it that it can’t define you, that it won’t define you.


If you are going through a hard time or anything that I’ve just said feels like something that you connect with or can relate to, please don’t hesitate to talk to someone. Talk to your best friend, your partner, your parents, your siblings, your teacher, your co-worker, me; anyone you feel you can trust or are comfortable with. And please, don’t let the conversation stop there. Go further: talk to a counselor or a psychiatrist, then keep talking. Let others hear your story. No one should feel like they are alone in this because I can promise, they aren’t. You aren’t.

Friday, August 19, 2016

So Long, Summer



Good morning and goodbye, San Diego. Wednesday morning I woke up with the sun. Bags packed, the zippers close to bursting because I’ve never been good at that thing called “packing light,” it was the day I would head back to Illinois for my second year at ISU. Before I left, I made sure to say bye to my dog, Star, and, of course, my car Waldo.
One last snap from home before we headed 
to the airport

It’s hard to believe this summer is already over. It seems like I was complaining about how long three months was going to be in anticipation to be back at school (an anticipation that I’ve never felt before) just days ago, but here I am ready to head back.

 Flew into San Diego with the sunset

I had a lot planned for this summer: I had to catch up with all of my friends from high school, work full-time so I could make up for how much I had spent the last two semesters (too much, according to my mom), and I had to have adventures worthy of social media (this is only slightly a joke).

And I did.

This summer I worked almost five days a week at a minimum wage job, wishing I could already be a teacher, out in the field, doing what I love; wishing I hadn’t spent as much money as I did so maybe I wouldn’t have to work as hard (though I would’ve anyways). There were bad days with good moments and good days with bad moments and days when I came home and just collapsed with no energy left to even watch Netflix.
I rocked this outfit almost constantly this 
summer!

This summer I caught up with friends I hadn’t talked to since graduation. Despite spending probably too much money on coffees and dinners every time I went out with a friend, I was reminded of where I came from and just how many people I have back home who care enough to want to actually hear about the badly told stories of my freshman year of college. (If you know me even a little, you’ll be well aware of my knack to forget what I’m saying, an ability I’ve been told is unmatched, which turns quick stories into hour long explanations of exactly where I was when I found out that Zayn Malik had gone solo.) There are few things that match the feeling of someone sending you a text saying, “I miss you! When can I see you?” and then actually following through with the plans.
Two of my favorites: Pat Villa and Starbucks.
 Such a good way to end my summer with life 
talks with Pat!

My cousin Phyllis is about to start high school! Getting Ghiradelli 
ice cream with her and the rest of her family was fun and delicious! 

July 11th happens to be one of my favorite days 
because who doesn't love free stuff?

A day isn't complete if it doesn't involve
 Starbucks (featuring Tony)!

I got to catch up with Marika who I've known
 since before Kindergarten AND eat Mexican food! 
That's a good day in my book!

 My beautiful cousins, Haley and Maddie, and I grabbed 
coffee before hanging out with the rest of our family!

 Derp award goes to Megan and I. Even if I only got to see her for a weekend,
 it was a highlight of my summer.

Can't visit ISU without grabbing sushi from 
La Bamba

Blake and I enjoying late night In-N-Out

 Food on food on food on food

This summer I went from San Diego to Los Angeles and back multiple times, visiting both family and friends; 

 Sarah, Emily, and I spent a great day in Santa Monica!

I went back to Illinois for my Grandma’s 90th birthday; 
We were just able to grab some pictures before the storm blew in.

Grandma's 90th birthday, featuring her 13 grandkids (+ 3 S.O.s) and 4 great grandkids!

 I wasn't actually able to hit any of the clay pigeons but at least I looked good trying!

I went to the beach and the races and a cute little meditation garden; 

There were lots of koi ponds at the garden for us to relax next to!

Trying so hard to tan.

My first time ever flying a kite!

Somehow, I managed to over double my money at the Del Mar races!

I went to Carlsbad Village and all the way over to Lake Havasu, AZ. 
4-way crosswalks make for good photo ops with the Carlsbad sign!

Sarah and I really liked to show off on the tubes

 If you look really closely, you can see me catching major air on the jet ski in the back!

I made new friends and reunited with old ones. I played tennis poorly and promised myself I’d work out more often (and broke that promise within days). 

Brunch with Taylor!

Baked Bear ice cream sandwiches with Tommy!

The Sprouts crew got together for a beach day!

By the end of the summer, I had managed to 
beat Zach in a game of tennis, even if he'll
 never admit it.

I'm so happy I met my coworker Febyana 
this summer! We have so many great 
memories together!

I got to watch the horse races with Taylor and her friends Meagan and Melanie!

I spent time with my mom, getting Starbucks every Tuesday and sewing a dress for my cousin’s September wedding (the third dress we’ve worked on together) and learning Italian basics with our homemade lattes in the backyard. 
My first time ever voting! Doing it again in November!

Mom and I went on a lot of fun adventures this summer!

There were a lot of things I didn’t do this summer as well.

I didn’t say yes. If there’s one thing I’ve learned this summer, it’s that it’s ok to not always be a yes person. It’s ok to say no to that party invite because you just don’t feel like it; it’s ok to say no to that shirt that looks like five others that you already own and costs five times what you make in an hour; it’s ok to say no to that person who takes more than they give.

I didn’t falter in the face of adversity. I stood up for what I believe and who I believe in. No one got anywhere in life by saying “no, you’re right. I’m not good enough and I never will be. I don’t have what it takes” or “I guess I am too young to understand.” I believe in things that are right and true and sometimes not always popular and I will never give that up just because someone says I should.

I didn’t let others tell me who I am or put me in the bubble of who they want me to be. Instead I was bold and strong and independent and undoubtedly me. I have given up on always aiming to please others because it’s not possible. Sometimes, the only person we really need to please is ourselves. And maybe that means saying goodbye to people we should have said goodbye to long ago. Maybe that means following our dreams and goals instead of sticking with what’s practical or expected. And maybe that means just letting ourselves be, letting ourselves live and live freely.

So summer has ended and it’s time to head back to my other life in Illinois. This time around though, I’m equipped to mix my two homes — and what I’ve learned in each — together.

Cloudy evening at the beach in May!

 Such a stunning sunset from my street!

Saying goodbye with a beautiful sunset over all of 
San Diego. See you next year, Summer!

Coming up next week: goal-setting and what I plan to do this school year.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Hardly Normal

If you don't know who I am, and maybe even if you do, here's a little bit about me and about my blog. My name is Elizabeth Miller. I'm currently an incoming sophomore at Illinois State University in Normal, Illinois (hence the name of my blog). My home, where I was born and raised, is in San Marcos, California, though I spent all of my grade and secondary schooling all over San Diego. Last fall 2015, during my first semester of college, I found a new home, one that I chose to make mine.

Around this time last year, in the midst of one of my favorite summers, I was driving down the coast with one of my best friends, Paige. As we looked out at the dark waves and the lights of the city stretched out in front of us, I turned down the music and said to Paige, who had lived in San Diego for almost as long as I had and who was also going to be making the move to the great Midwest, "Isn't it weird how our parents are the ones who made this city for us? They raised us here, and helped us create memories here, and in a little while, we're going to have to do that for ourselves. Make our own memories, leave our own marks, find our own place."

I remember sitting in silence for a moment, taking in the weight of that realization, the challenge ahead of us. We were about to step into two new and separate worlds, both trying to keep our ties with where we had come from while still establishing who we were becoming.

My first year in Normal was anything but. It was also the best year of my life. When I walked on its campus for the first time in October of 2014, I knew Illinois State was the right college for me, the dream college I didn't know I had. I never thought it'd become my favorite place in the world, my new home, and my sanctuary, somewhere I can be unapologetically who I am.

This past year I have met some of the greatest people ever, many who I know will be by my side for the rest of my life; I have learned things about myself and the world, things that I could never have imagined at this time last year; I have started a journey into the rest of my life that I am so excited and optimistic for.

If you're interested in coming along for the ride, I'll be tracking that journey here. I hope you enjoy it as much as I know I will.